Pay Attention!

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body. “As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. “Now do the same,” he instructs. The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it. When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”

Chuck Norris called my wife a bitch in front of my children. I did what any man would do in that situation. I slapped my wife for pissing off Mr. Norris.

Strength.

steven segal, arnold schwarzenegger, and chuck norris were sitting around a camp fire. Steven is telling how he snaped the necks of hundreds of men. Arnold tells his storied of how he punched men through their stomachs. Chuck Norris just sits there quietly stirring the coals with his penis

Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. 2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. 3. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. 4. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 5. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage. 6. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 7. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. 8. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways. 9. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody 10. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Mailman's Last Day

It's the mailmans last day after 30 years of taking the mail to the same neighborhood. The first family waves him off and makes him feel special, the second family gives him 50 bucks and he feels great! the 3rd family gives him a fishing set and he's in heaven, the fourth door... a beautiful blonde comes out in nothing but a silky see thru babydoll, she grabs him by the hand and gives him the best night of his life... in the morning she makes him a great breakfast and slips him 1 dollar under his cofee mug... so he cant hold back his question... all of this has been great but... whats with the dollar? the blonde says before my husband left for a biz trip i asked him what we should get you! he said ah fuck him, give him a dollar... the breakfast was my idea! Sent from Dirty Jokes http://bit.ly/c7eBnB

The Flat Stomach.

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.... The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "well you know your dad has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.." "Your wasting you time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

so, at this college there was an extra credit question "Is hell endothermic or exothermic" this is what one kid wrote: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose (i.e.,Hell is exothermic). Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is endothermic). So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by Ms.Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a relationship with her, the second case cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic. the kid was the only one who got credit.

Shave!

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on." The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the gir explained what happened Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly The priest hands the lady $1 and says..."Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

Boat Wife

Joe and John were Identical twins.Joe owned an old dilapitated boat an kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbour woman, MariBeth, mistook Joe for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said " Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy! I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!" Maribeth fainted. Sent from Funny Jokes http://bit.ly/1DOFTl