little johnny sat in the classroom. the teacher says class if you can tell me who said these quotes, ill let you leave early. who said four score and seven years ago? nancy beats johnny to it and shouts abe lincoln! the teacher says nancy you can leave. who said ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country? john kennedy shouts out susan. the teacher says very good susan you can leave. johnny says i wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut. the teacher says WHO SAID THAT?! johnny said tiger woods! can i leave now?

Penis Labor

I, penis request a pay raise due to the following
1. I do physical labor
2.I work at great depths
3.I plundge head first into everything i do
4.I work weekends & holidays
5.I work in damp environments
6.I work in dark areas with poor ventilation
7. I work in high temperatures
8. My work exposes me to disease. Dear penis, your requests has been denied for the following reasons
1. U dont work 8 hours straight
2. U work in short spurts & fall asleep after each brief work period 3. U dont stay in your designated area, and r frequently found in other locations.
4.U dont take initiative & must be stimulated 2 start working
5. U leave your work place messy at the end of your shift.
6.U are unable 2 work over time or double shifts.
7.U sometimes leave your designated work area before completing the assigned task.
8. U have costantly been seen entering and exiting the work place with 2 suspicious bags.

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: Its a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (Looking at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. Teacher: (Looking at the paper again) Then, where's the cow? Kid: It left because there was no more grass.

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Peter, how would you say it? Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table...And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it? " Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry! "

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained  weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Why I fired my secretary: Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect.

Robbers broke into a bank in Dublin. They expected to see one big safe, but when they got in, they found 20 small safes. They cracked open the first, but all they found was a dish of vanilla pudding "Oh well, at least we'll have a bite to eat" they said. They cracked all the safes & all contained the same vanilla pudding so they left with very full, queasy tummys. Headlines in the papers next morning said 'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED LAST NIGHT!'

Pokemon

How awesome would it be if a cop yelled "PII-KAAA-CHUUUU!!!" right before he tased someone.

Ugly wife

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids".

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?

A guy meets a hooker at a bar. She says to the man "I'll do ANYTHING you want for $300, but as long as you can say it in three words." The guy got three hundred dollar bills and placed it one by one. "Paint ..... My ..... House."

After suffering a broken wrist the doctor just took the cast off my arm "Will i be able to play golf now," I asked. "Of course," he said, "No problem at all." "Fucking amazing," I said, "I couldn't play it before."

My girlfriend says that I play Call of Duty way too much... I mean I don't, do I? All I did was dive behind the bed after I came all over her face screaming "COVER ME, I'M RELOADING!"

Toilet

I walked into the bar toilet earlier, spotted a guy at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle. The guy laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey?" A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him. What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

If someone ever hits you in the nuts say while in pain "ahhh your moms kids are gonna be retarded now"

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe that anyone would fuck u twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

How to deal with telemarketers.. Them: hello, is your mother available? You: she is dead. Them: im sorry to hear that, is your father available? You: hes doing a life sentence for killing her *telemarketer hangs up*

One, two, three, four I declare a thumb war! Five, six, seven, eight I used this hand to masturbate :D

I'd Do Anything A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything??" "Yes,.. Anything!" She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR MUST READ! 1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on 5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator 8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on ask if they have an apointment 9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play 10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "its ok dont panic, they open again!" 15) Swat at flies that don't exist 16) Tell people that you can see their aura 17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it 18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering nside, ask, Got enough air in there? 20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off 21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, &quotYour one of THEM!" and back away slowly 22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers 23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope 24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button 25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on" 26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is my personal space"